Over the past month, work has been pretty overwhelming. I mean, the days are always busy. Most days I rarely eat lunch before 2;30pm. But over the last four weeks, the days have been physically, emotionally, and mentally draining. More so than I ever remember. Not only is the hospital overflowing with patients (literally) -- there is never enough beds or nurses. It's to a point, where I wonder, "Are we going to make it through this day?" But we do make it through the day, whether it be minute by minute or hour by hour. We make it through because of the amazing nurses, doctors, ancillary...
TEAM we have. I know, 110%, that without them, I would have crumbled years ago!
With working in the Surgical Intensive Care Unit (SICU), we usually get many trauma patients... all the ones that are shown on the news. In the morning when I get ready for work, I usually turn on the news, and many times see/hear the stories of the patients that I will be taking care of. It's kinda cool, kinda not. Many of our patients get better. Many are able to leave the ICU, with the goal of eventually going back home. But sometimes that doesn't happen. Sometimes, despite all our efforts... the patients don't make it. We have to let them go, to their new home with Jesus. And usually I am okay with that. Usually it doesn't get to me. I don't mean I have a hard heart... It's just that I know it's part of life -- dying. And after seeing the patient suffer so much/so long, and the many times I've seen suffering go on way too long... I am usually completely okay with letting the patient go. Many times I'm the one having those hard conversations with the doctors or families about end of life, about making them comfortable. About having Palliative care involved. I'm one of these patient's biggest advocates. But lately... my heart has been really heavy. Over the last month, we've had terrible trauma after terrible trauma after terrible trauma come in our doors. To my medical readers... terrible traumas where we are 'slow coding' all afternoon, using the Level One to give blood products, rushing down to CT scan crossing our fingers that their heart doesn't stop in the elevator, pushing all sorts of meds. This happened day after day in the last weeks. So it's exciting at first. This is the kind of patients, we (crazy ICU nurses) love! The kind that gets our adrenaline pumping, the kind that makes one critically think...
FAST! BUT.... when these super critical patients come in day after day, and day after day, we do everything we can, and they still don't make it. One's heart begins to get heavy. One starts to wonder, "why all the suffering?" "why all the sadness at once?" And then there are their stories... each patient that comes in, has a story. Has a family. Has a wonderful life that just stopped in their tracks. And even though, we as their ICU nurse, didn't know them before this accident... we do learn about them, do see pictures of them, their friends, their families. We learn each one of their stories, their lives. And with each one, I say I'm sorry, I squeeze a hand, rub a shoulder, give a hug... turn around and hold back tears.
I go to the waiting room to talk to the family of the patient we've been trying to save for the last 3 hours... to find out there are 30 friends and family there, big, strong motorcycle friends holding back tears. I tell them their loved one is very critical, that his heart could stop any minute.
Then I walk over to the other family sitting together of another accident we received, telling them that they can see their dad now. And after bringing them to his room, his heart stops and we do CPR in front of the young son. Doing what we know to do... quick thinking, we were gratefully able to save this Dad. While the other patient didn't survive.
Next day, I have to help parents say goodbye to their young daughter, after we did our best to save her. These parents were on their way to visit their daughter for the week, instead they come to say goodbye and plan a funeral. Her fiance and brother have to get this call from states away.
Then another day, I went to help with a very critical patient on another floor. After I arrive, we soon lose a pulse and start CPR. We work on him for nearly 30 mins. This man we are unable to save. The family comes in to be by his side, and I hear them say, "It's okay Dad, you can go." "We will take care of Mom" "I love you, Dad." It breaks me... I've met this family only a few minutes ago, and I have to leave the room, otherwise I won't be able to stop the tears.
Then today... so much more sad news... two deaths, two others get really bad news and will probably not survive. Finding a wife in the cafeteria to hurry back to the room, her husband's heart rate dropped, he could pass any minute. Consoling a different tearful family, saying a prayer silently for them while walking into the next room, as a family member reaches out for a hug -- they made the decision to let their dad be comfortable and remove all life supporting measures. Another in such a bad accident, still not waking up... her daughter suppose to get married this Saturday, now is postponed. Another... a young man, unsure if his brain will ever recover... I learn from his family that his buddies still go hang out at his mechanic shop every night, to keep his spirit alive and with them. Then there is the family who knows there loved one will not survive, but is trying to save other's lives by donating his organs.
I'm not sure why I'm telling all this. I think it helps me to write about it, to release it all from my heart. It's a way I cope. Sadness. Suffering. Why is there so much of it? Not only at work, but life in general. I don't know why. I was talking to my mom about it recently.. and she said "God's purpose for sadness is for us to learn trust. Mary too had sadness, but always kept trust; bringing forth Love and Joy." That's so true. I think it also relates to a speaker I went to listen to this past Saturday --
Gail McWilliams, a blind mother of five. Her talk was very inspirational, speaking about Choosing Life, as it was for a benefit supporting EPS (
Essential Pregnancy Services), a pro-life pregnancy center. Yes, she talked about choosing life for the unborn. But she related it to so much more... encouraging everyone to choose life
EVERYDAY. When we choose life everyday, we choose
joy, we choose
happiness, we choose
hope! And hope always sees!
Please, all of you who are thinking of going into the medical career... don't let this stop you. All this sadness. If anything, let this encourage you to continue studying harder. To want to care for these patients and their families during some of the hardest moments of their life. It's more rewarding and humbling then one can ever imagine. I wouldn't trade it for anything. We were just never taught in nursing school, how much, at times, these patients, these families, these stories would tug at our heart. Would break us. Would encourage us. Would give us hope. Because you see, there are those patients too... the ones that were not suppose to make it. The ones that were so close to dying more than once. The ones that we gave our all to. The ones that despite all odds, show us that God does perform miracles!! You see, someone like that came back to visit us a couple weeks ago! He was not suppose to live, and if he did, would more than likely have terrible brain damage. Instead he started college last week! I'd say that's a miracle! So in the midst of all the sadness, there is joy and love!! Sometimes I just need to be reminded that there really are so many more blessings than crosses. And maybe it's a reminder from Jesus for me to tell my family, my friends that I love them, to let them know how much they mean to me. I know that's a virtue that I need to work on. And with God's grace, He can help me be an instrument of His love to each and every person I meet.
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Never Just a Nurse or
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